Accommodation is never standard.

The shady people say “Rissot” and the more (they think) cultured will pronounce it “reezort”.. Either way, I was staying at the Yala Resort. And from the looks of the facilities, in no way was it deserving to be referred to as a “Reezort”. I was happily served by Sarafina and was given the best room in town for a liitle more than what you would pay for club entrance in the City. After a good scrub to wash off all the dust from pushing the two tonne 17 horsepower pick up truck to the other side of the country, I headed to the dining hall where I was joined, without invitation, by two ladies of the night.

Langa, poko, daughters of joy, ladies of the night, CSW and all other names conjured up every Friday night by a team of local experts in every local pub in the nation are used to refer to these ladies. These names are endless, but one with no front tooth (hereafter referred to as "no meno") and the other with flouride stained teeth (hereafter referred to as meno shokoret) were not quite the creatures you would expect to convince a drunken, red blooded youth from the City to part with his money. As a fact of matter, they would incline me to re-check the quantity of my wallet contents every hour to make sure I was not robbed. Aside everything, I think MSF (doctors without borders) need to organise a dental drive though Yala rissot.

“Iko nini?” I yelled out in the makeshift restaurant in reference to the food readily available. For those of you who may not have had the pleasure of eating outside of the comfort of a 3 star restaurant and consider “Terrific Tuesday” at Pizza Inn as your idea of roughing it, I have news for you. There are establishments with oral menus which will only be read out if you ask those key words. "Iko nini". Otherwise the waiter comes over and patiently leans on your table looking straight into your eyes waiting for you to read his brain, and decide what it is want to order.  This is no joke.  But it only makes sense if you earn Ksh 3,000 and some drunk comes and eats food worth half your salary with his other drunk friend and the two daughters of joy (No meno and meno shokoret).

*Travelling Fanatic TF

* Dumb Waitress DW

And the converstion goes like this

TF: iko nini dada?

..........Silence......

TF: (slightly agitated) WEWE!!!!

DW: (turning around from watching a Mexican soap on the tube having assumed the ever so comfortable hand in breast position) Eh?!!!! 

TF: Iko nini?

DW: Kila kitu iko

TF: Mko na steak?

DW: hiyo ni nini? Aiy...

TF: si ulisema kila kitu iko.. sema iko nini..

DW: Iko ugali.............. (silence)

TF: (getting extremely infuriated) NA?!!!!

DW: Na beef........... (silence)

TF: Eish madam, kwani hii ni interrogation ya police. Ebu ongea kama radio mpya. Sema ile yote iko..

DW: hiyo tu ndio iko ........ (silence alongside a blank look)

TF: si ulisema kila kitu iko?? Sasa imebadilika? (getting upset so my redness makes me look like a tomato with a beard)

DW: (still....blank look..).

TF: NKT.!!!!! Leta hiyo basi.

DW: Ugali na beef?

TF: kwani iko kitu ingine? NKT!!!!!.. annoyed, upset, hungry etc

DW: sawa....

So anyway, as usual, there is ALWAYS only ugali and beef. And I stubbornly and indirectly order for ugali and beef. And now I sit here, In Yala “Rissot” with No Meno and Meno Shokoret waiting for my Ugali and beef