My trip to nyanza.

I dont have anything against Kisiis, Drunks, footballers etc.. But cops, they are the patipati one wears when going to a public toilet.

So I don’t write about rugby because surprisingly, I rarely attend rugby matches any more.  Not because I have lost interest in the sport but because as time wears on, responsibilities take a toll and one is forced to choose between rugby and paying bills.

I was thrown in the thick of things when I was asked to supervise a project in Gem Dsitrict. OK, I don’t even know if it is a district, lakini they said the people of Gem have really somad and I should be very scared of them,.. WAPI???? Those are just guys of shags with inappropriate use of vocabulary.

So on my way north east from the glamour of Nairobi, I pass the usual drunkards speeding to naivasha for “one”.  I simply Don’t understand how a drunk person, (ir)rationally decides to drive his vehicle down an escarpment while severely intoxicated and  brags to his friends the next day how high he was as he sped down one of nature’s greatest descents. Anyway. This is not a “health and safety column” so shauri yako. Passed naiva–ho and into the plains that lead into Nakuru. These are the most boring of sites to see, it’s like watching paint dry. Don’t be cheated. There is NOTHING to see between those two towns. Just Uhuru’s land on your right and Government land on the left. (Somehow I feel these two people are one and the same).

Passed Nakuru and then the stories start flowing. (sorry I forgot to mention how I was travelling with one my peoples who happens to be a plumber but can paint, do electrical, do plaster, a bit of masonry and roofing). Anyway, so Man Man starts telling me how we should not pass the route to kericho coz some guy had been shot at the forest a week back. The road is rubbish in that stretch (though has been worked on recently) but I was not doing a two hour diversion because of one bullet ridden body. I come from Nairobi. It means I would have to go through Mombasa to get home if I avoided all the roads someone has been shot in the last month.

The hill to Sechangwan is steep. Now it makes sense on how a tanker can overturn carrying fuel even if the driver knows its a bad road. Yet the trailer coming down against us was cruising at formula one speed and just flashing his lights. FOKO jembe you driver, if it were not for my gripping the steering tight and closing my eyes, I would have gotten your Number plate and reported you to the cops. Speaking of cops. A new trick for those travelling long distance; dress in your pyjamas, carry several 50 bob notes, crumpled preferably.  When stopped by these modern day hyenas (read cop), look distressed, like your boss sent you for work during your mother’s funeral. And ask him politely if he can accept the ONLY note in your crumbling wallet. Which happens to be the crumbled, wrinkled, tired, 50 bob note with Kenyatta walking with crutches coz it has chokad ile mbaya. Oh I also forgot to say I was in a beat up pickup carrying loads of construction materials thus the “stop and ask him for money” target across my chest.

Once you get past Mau summit and towards kericho, you get to witness beautiful tracts of land with tea and poster women picking their share for the day (of course for pittance pay). But Again I am not a “labour and free trade” columnist, so life continues. Its looks like a million football fields beautifully manicured and just waiting for kenyas finest footballers (if any) to showcase their skills.

Now this is where the shock started. Si Nyanza is BIG. We come down some escarpment and the heat starts. It’s like driving to Mombasa. But here, there are no yellow yellows. And then we drive for about an hour and we have not reached Kisumu. I thought Kisumu was the whole of Nyanza. I mean, with all these jangos that claim they are related to each other, I figured it can’t be that big. Shock on me, they have north nyanza, south nyanza, central nyanza. I mean, they even have time to fit in some bantu’s somewhere in there. Though from the sound of their language, those guys just forced into being Bantus. I cant believe I haven’t reached. GOSH...