Dala Se7ens

4^th Sep dala sevens:

I had not been to a rugby event in Kisumu City for approx 9 years. And i was sure the change will be amazing as all this was pre-Raila and Pre-Obama and we were still under Baba Moi. From what i vaguely remembered of Kisumu in the year 2000:

An experience. The ocean makes women woozy and weak kneed. In kisumu, there is no ocean and only several boda bodas and motorpikis zooming past hooting constatntly. The agitation of the passengers, pedestrians and matatu drivers is dangerously climbing to tribal clashes level. One day, kisumu will explode. And raila will step and in and prove to all doubters that he has a fanaticism support in Nyanza that is closely rivalled by only JC himself.

The smooth talking jaluo sales persons will keep you entertained for the entire trip. The one selling “window wassing liquid” for your windscreen, to the “Kuful” merchants at the busiest round about in Africa. Several places to visit including the highly acclaimed “lunch at the beach” serving Ugali and a large tilapia are a must see. The heat is almost unbearable so carry your sunscreen BIG digagas (preferably not purchased from mutua at the traffic lights on your way out of Nairobi) and a massive hat. Underwear, extra clothing, toothbrush et al are all extra luggage that might not be necessary depending on your hygiene standards and motives for the weekend.

If a person travels 350 kms in a car travelling at 100 km/h, how long will his journey take? That was the theory I used as I left Nairobi at 0600 hrs intending to reach Kisumu at 0930 hrs. All within the Kenyan highway speed limit. That journey took me four and a half hours but nilifika on time to watch most of the games.

The closer I approached kisumu, the more the heat. As we went down the escarpment from kericho, I was tempted to stop there and watch the rugby through binoculars. This heat was deafeningly loud (I have no better word to describe that feeling).  Past chemelil we cruised, where a passerby taught me how to steal sugarcane from a moving tractor after which we dove straight into the world’s busiest roundabout. This place is sooo confusing yet there is some order in the chaos. The boda boda baskeli wait on one side and the boda boda pikpiki wait on another. The “kuful” traders ply the centre and the mtumba vendors line one side of the road opposite the vegetable hawkers. Too much for one place. But kazi inaendelea. We took a right past the new tusky’s leaving behind the empty nakumatt warehouse at the kisumu gates.

As I enter the kisumu polytechnic gates, i hear the MC proudly announcing that kisumu is proud to host africas biggest sevens tournament. With 32 participating teams in a two day tournament. This is what I would gladly call rubbish development policies. How do you put Kisii RFC against Kenya’s finest in a pool game. Why can’t there be a parallel tournament on another pitch for these small teams? How does Dennis Mwanja dislocating Sibwor Omondi’s (some random guy) shoulder develop rugby?

Anyway, so I look for a place to sit and the rugby clubs have occupied all the tents with their respective teams. There is no space for a non-affiliate fan. You either sit with one of the teams. Or you roast under the sun. Kisumu organisers, you need to organise yourself. Not scatter tents around the park like it’s a raffle. NKT.

Day one was BORING. I mean it was an utter waste of time. Watching big teams run +50 points past a small inexperienced team was just sad. All in 15 minutes of rugby.  Day two was not as bad. The top teams were announced. And at least we knew the action will start at midday.

The Kisumu sun was burning. The girls were out and the drinks were flowing. Kweli this was going to be a great final. Kenya Harlequins play Mwamba RFC in the third final in a row. The warm up was serious and the stage set for another titans clash.

Gloria daddy’s gal was in attendance with a black dress and a black kofia. IN THIS HEAT?? Surely?? Anyone able to advice our good friend how black absorbs heat and makes it unbearable to stand in public looking like it’s a funeral? Wacha tu.

Doc was thea as well in small shorts and the look of the Quins tent when she entered the ice bath to cool down was priceless. What were the Quins guys expecting? A Baywatch moment? Ok, the shorts were kidogo hotpants-like, but she was not ati going to flick her hair and rub her bossom with the ice cold water... calm down boys, the Finals are just round the corner.  Speaking of the ice bath. The Quins boys are taking sports to another level. And for that, I thank them. Ice baths cool the body quickly and you save energy and detect injuries much faster. These boys will have a longer playing career than all their counterparts. so for that, Kudos.

Mwamba made an example of Quins by wiping their multi-coloured kit on the green and came out on top and took the lead in the series. Two out of three. Just one more and three out of five will secure them a title shot.

The final whistle blew and it was a sprint for the fans. From Kisumu to Nairobi in the shortest time possible. Redbull was the choice of drink for the driver to keep me on toes for the return 350kms. I arrived at 11 pm on Sunday night more tired than the players. But definitely happier than all but the 12 who took the cup.

Next week, Kabeberi. Is this not a Mwamba tournament? Let’s see.

Prinsloo Sevens, Nakuru

Another introduction to the Prinsloo sevens would probably be more befitting, but that’s for the ones who care more about rugby than the ills on the pitchside.

28^th Aug Prinsloo sevens:

The tour of tours… Nakuru is a few hours from Nairobi and with the nairobians obsession with naivasha, its just a few kms up the road from the gommorah that has been created next to the lake. Guaranteed to be the place to party with all your Nairobi buddies (other than Msa over Christmas) on the streets till early Sunday morning and suffer the whole of Monday trying to orient oneself to the shocking order and discipline required to switch between party and work in a heartbeat. I would suggest taking Monday off and giving yourself time to recover from such debauchery. Nakuru has been reputed as having a growing fan base and is bigger every single year. And everything costs half price. From burgers to beers to chips fungas who drink half price black ice. The only place you must fork out is for the lodgos that will be charging a premium for this special weekend.

Wanyore

By that weekend, we knew who was meant to be in the final four. If Impala, Quins and Mwamba were not in the semis, money had been poured and we should have stayed at home and promulgated with kibaki and his cronies. Speaking of promulgation, that was a State disaster. First we had a wanted man on our lands, then a rubbish poet who dared to say”tutapromulgate, tutanavigate and everything gate”, in a state function? Surely! She should be tried for treason. Is that what we are showcasing as Kenya’s finest? And then we thought the shame was over. But it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And then Achieng Abura and her counterparts stepped in. She made a crying shame of herself and all Kenyan artists in that makeshift ensemble. But there was one knight in shining armour, Eric Wainaina, Ulitusave ile mbaya, as unexciting as your song was, it was fit for the day’s purpose and you wiped the floor with the other artists’ mediocrity. We thank you for restoring some pride in Kenya’s performing arts.

What a Mess

I digress…

So instead of watching the first few fixtures of rugby, I sought shelter in a relative’s house in Nakuru to watch the promulgation after which I headed to The Nakuru Athletic club. The venue was not yet thronged and left me wondering if the promulgation is affecting attendance levels.

As the sun rises, the action rises and the cars start filing in. Levi Onkoba drove in with his office posse of Clifford Kinyua and Paul Sadat. They needed a four wheel drive vehicle to tow in the large amount of sense diminishing liquids in their possession. This group was behind the almost successful Nakuru street party. Were it not for the rain, it would have been a close contestant to the days of B&H street bashes.

The point five (pronounced “.5”) mafia were also in the house with their ability to enjoy copious amounts of alcohol while still knowing where they left their handbags and wanalala wapi… not many a woman can manage that. Ask the long legged Kisumu TM what happened to her wallet and forehead after a few vodkas on Saturday night. I’ll bet you anything she won’t remember and blame it on the AAAAAA LLLL COHOL... so as much as you love them or hate them, the point five mafia is here to stay in Kenyan rugby.

Cliff in the four wheel drive

Dr Mogere came with doggies that look like toys and I got a bit of female attention pretending I was the owner of these pets. Though I was certain I saw one of the doggies going to a corner with a mongrel of Nakuru. So I am sure a few months from now, the flawlessly white, 8 inch tall, fluffy called mumble will give birth to a brown, no fluff, no tail, 2 feet tall “mbwa koko” called Rambo.

After being defiled by the mbwa koko, they ran to safety

Cliff wa safaricom came with a brand new, black, tinted MPV and instead of offloading hoards of scantily clad, alcopop drinking teenagers, he offloaded gallons and gallons of drinking water for some random team. Such a waste of a nice car, he should have just bought a pickup.

And now to the rugby… The National Rugby players arrived in Nakuru late as they had to march past Kibaki at the promulgation ceremony so were excluded from most of the games on Day One. But the superstars were included in day two and Mwamba gave a better show of themselves and took the crown. Edgar Abere (breath) took MVP, two times in as many weeks. If this boy is overlooked, we will only forgive the selectors and coach if they bring home the commonwealth crown.

Horace Owiti redeemed himself and scored a try in the finals to make up for the past weeks (almost) unforgiveable mistake. Collins Injera has not been as amazing as we all wanted him to be. But perhaps that is because we are waiting for him to do something Godly while all he is doing is creating gaps for Abere to shine.

The move of Wilson Kópondo to Kenya Harlequins shocked many, but he has been very instrumental in Quins campaign to getting to the finals on both weekends and this is a platform for him to get to greater things. For those who don’t like Quins, where was he to go and who was he to replace? All clubs have wenyewe and no matter what happens, Wilson kopondo will be on bench even in Homeboyz if he is not on good terms with the management. Kopo, you made a good choice and you are playing Top flight rugby with a solid structured side. I am not too fond of several Quins players but I feel they know what the club is doing, so all who have issues meza wembe.

The night came and the party continued into the wee hours of the night as the deejays kept the music playing and the KWAL stand kept the throats watered. Nakuru is a perfect place to party with cheaper prices on everything and a vibrant night scene down the road at the Multi levelled Taidy’s and the spacious Summit disco.

All in all, rugby was the winner and two teams were stuck at the top with a win and a runners up position each. We all await the Dala sevens to separate the men from the boys. 

Photos courtesy of Ministry of Rugby and Viga Mogere

CHRISTIES 7S

So I gave a small preamble for Christies last week and since we are working a few weeks late, it’ll be less elaborate as the fresh ones.

 21^st Aug Christies Sevens: At Kenya Rugby Football Union Grounds. Also known as Kenya Harlequins grounds or Kenya Rugby Union Grounds. In the end, everyone wants a title to the field but rumour has it that its owned by old-school odieros who will call it whatever you want as long as unalipa rent.. Regardless of the name of the grounds, this is usually a good pace setter for the series with one of the highest conversion rates after safari sevens. Yaani conversion is.... you want to impress a female and you want to watch rugby so you invite her over, coz entrance for her is cheaper than a packet of chips in steers. You marinate her the whole day with alcohol and make her emotionally attached to your useless club as you cheer on and she joins you just to feel a part of something and somehow finds herself back in the fold the very next weekend. That is what is classified as conversion.

The newly renovated club house and guest djays for the Saturday night make the evening worth waiting for instead of hurrying to another venue. Beware of who you step on in the melee as this is the only tournament directors and fans get to share a space trying to watch Supersport on the not so big screen.

Being the first of the tournaments, expectation were high especially after the national sevens team players were released to represent their clubs to get a bit more games before the commonwealth games at the Delhi university on 11^th -12^th October 2010. It was rather disappointing to find half empty (or perhaps half full) stands since we all thought the safaricom stands will be used more than once a year. Thanks MJ and his peoples though, I think those stands would have been of more use if they were to have been put in Russia. IN the words of One loud mouthed fan, they are as usefull as a flower bed during the season.

To the Rugby Newbies: Russia is the concrete stands across from the main stand usually used by Karen Cowboys searching for some tanning.

The Ministry of rugby fanatics were many in attendance and thronged the nondies stand with their happiness and joyful nature whilst harassing some sales guy wearing pumps that can be used to mulika mwizi. Millie was desperately trying to omba the guy for his shoes for “one sato only”.

Special mention is to be given to Bill Githinji who was in attendance. This man has done a lot for Kenyan rugby and has been quickly forgotten. Is it harder to get a team from nothing to quarter finalists? Or from quarter finalists to semi finalists? Food for thought.  When Sidney “Black Rose” Obonyo alongside Paul Odera were losing the Shield finals to Papua New Guinea (perhaps I exaggerate), who stood by their side and made them dragon slayers? Bill Githinji did. And for that, I salute you.

Mwamba demonstrated their might through the strength and skill of the national players. However a general conclusion (mogusu generally)  was that pumping yourself with too many supplements might not be too good for the brain as demonstrated by Horace Owiti’s act of handing Quins an almost hard fought victory. This demonstration of unbelievable stupidity by trying to keep the ball in play instead of practicing patience and let the game slow down, led to a loose ball 10 metres from the line and sealed a victory for Kenya harlequins. Since Mwamba were in the lead, experience was paramount and you’d expect it at least from from a Kenyan 7’s International.

Nondies (the perennial sevens jokers) didn’t play their stars in a show of arrogance/ naivety/ fair play/ development. No one quite understands how one can leave out your star players because the notice came too late for the coaching staff to adapt to the situation. So losing all but two games the entire weekend was all they had to show for their blood, sweat and pain.

A team that is causing a lot of ripples and has put extensive pressure on Nondies is the Rabba brothers’ Homeboys Rugby Football Club. Coming from nothingness one year ago to take the Eric Shirley Shield in their first season and threatening the existence of Nondescripts RFC in the Kenya Cup should earn you some respect. Love them, hate them, you still acknowledge their structure, work ethic and T-shirts. Plus they come with many female fans.

The whole argument of culture and camaraderie between the teams and their leaders is just bar talk. No one cares. You win, you get sponsors, you survive, you get better players and you win more. Who really cares about your traditions? Not the 35 athletically ruthless boys who have moved to a newly formed club. Homeboys gave a steady account of themselves and clearly showed the old folks that they are here to stay by beating Nondies 7-0 in the Bowl semis.

Some small framed speedster shocked the tournament with his speed, agility and playmaking skills. I have only one thing to say to the selections team....EDGAR ABERE for trials. Its time a few of the fantastic seven get a challenge for their shirts. If I, a simple Kenyan fan, can name the National Sevens team that will take the pitch in Delhi, then what research have the SA, NZ and England coaches done already to mitigate this team? Does the team have an inkling of a chance? Ama ina wenyewe?

The rain came and everyone not in the main stand jetted to safcom flowerbed for a few hours. So it was proven, the flower bed can become handy.  Then the night came and the party moved to the club house. All were in attendance, even mvua and baridi. But nothing serious that could not be cured by the tequila selling, flammable polyester wearing cowgirls at ALL rugby events. Who came up with that uniform? It’s freaking awful. They probably get paid extra coz of the harassment they receive for being such criminals in the fashion circles.

Capital mix masters were on the deck and the fans of all teams pretended to like each other so that they can watch the tri-nations rugby on the 36 inch TV through the window. In my case, I needed to stand on a stool since some giant of a man with awfully smelly armpits was standing next to me making me woozy from the stench. Until 11 pm, when the alcohol starts pushing your mind to a point where you can no longer withhold the truth and the impala fans ran to their clubhouse up the road and the quins fans retreated into their clubhouse and leave the outside area for those who have no strong affiliation to either of the teams. And those make the majority, so party iendelee. Plus the kuku and chips keep you warm and energised for the rest of the night.

All in all, fantastic rugby action and Rugby was the winner. (I stole that line from Arigi).

Next week…

Prinsloo sevens: Where to stay, how to get there, what not to drink. And why it’s one of the biggest tourneys in the circuit. For the fan that is.

pictures courtesy of Ministry of Rugby and Myra Maloba

GET ON BOARD...

As my usual, I have a disclaimer. This is not for the [players. If you decide to read this blog as a player, you will probably stop playing and decide to join us on the other side where fun and debauchery happen at your expense. Do not cross over, because then we wont have a reason to go on these tours. We need an excuse.

So the rugby season is again with us. Not the international season that has people clambering for seats in a packed stadia. Its the boring “fifty persons capacity, I don’t feel like paying entrance so I will call myself a player” phase. Ask Tonyango how many local games he has paid for? I will bet you it is something close to 10. And he has been watching rugby for the last 73 years. (not including his puberty years when he was chasing skirts)

A couple of important landmarks to note in this extremely long season, that ends with safari sevens (yippppeeee!! They have banned vuvuzelas at last) and has too many leagues and games squeezed into a season. I believe somewhere down the line they have forgotten that rugby is a contact sport and not badminton. There will be exciting rugby for the spectator from the 21^st of august through to the 18^th of September where a new national sevens champion will be crowned.

I will try and keep you well informed of the social scene around the events. From Kisumu to Mombasa, through Nairobi and Nakuru. The teams and their fans will travel up and down the A104 getting into all kinds of great mischiefs and adventures... these adventures can only be relayed through (obviously) edited versions. But a bit of truth here and there will do very few people harm.

21^st Aug Christies sevens:

At Kenya Rugby Football Union Grounds. Also known as Kenya Harlequins grounds or Kenya Rugby Union Grounds. In the end, everyone wants a title to the field but rumour has it that its owned by old-school odieros who will call it whatever you want as long as unalipa rent.. Regardless of the name of the grounds, this is usually a good pace setter for the series with one of the highest conversion rates after safari sevens. Yaani conversion is.... you want to impress a female and you want to watch rugby so you invite her over, coz entrance for her is cheaper than a packet of chips in steers. You marinate her the whole day with alcohol and make her emotionally attached to your useless club as you cheer on and she joins you just to feel a part of something and somehow finds herself back in the fold the very next weekend. That is what is classified as conversion.

The newly renovated club house and guest d jays for the Saturday night make the evening worth waiting for instead of hurrying to another venue. Beware of who you step on in the milieu as this is the only tournament directors and fans get to share a space trying to watch Supersport on the not so big screen.

28^th Aug Prinsloo sevens:

The tour of tours. Nakuru is a few hours from Nairobi and with the nairobians obsession with naivasha, its just a few kms up the road from the gommorah that has been created next to the lake. Guaranteed to be the place to party with all your Nairobi buddies (other than msa over Christmas) on the streets till early Sunday morning and suffer the whole of Monday trying to orient oneself to the shocking order and discipline required to switch between party and work in a heartbeat. I would suggest taking Monday off and giving yourself time to recover from such debauchery. Nakuru has been reputed as having a growing fan base and is bigger every single year. And everything costs half price. From burgers to beers to chips fungas who drink half price black ice. The only place you must fork out is for the lodgos that will be charging a premium for this special weekend.

4^th Sep dala sevens:

An experience. The ocean makes women woozy and weak kneed. In kisumu, there is no ocean and only several boda bodas and motorpikis zooming past hooting constatntly. The agitation of the passengers, pedestrians and matatu drivers is dangerously climbing to tribal clashes level. One day, kisumu will explode. And raila will step and in and prove to all doubters that he has a fanaticism support in Nyanza that is closely rivalled by only JC himself.

The smooth talking jaluo sales persons will keep you entertained for the entire trip. The one selling “window wassing liquid” for your windscreen, to the “Kuful” merchants at the busiest round about in Africa. Several places to visit including the highly acclaimed “lunch at the beach” serving Ugali and a large tilapia are a must see. The heat is almost unbearable so carry your sunscreen BIG digagas (preferably not purchased from mutua at the traffic lights on your way out of Nairobi) and a massive hat. Underwear, extra clothing, toothbrush et al are all extra luggage that might not be necessary depending on your hygiene standards and motives for the weekend.

11^th Sep Kabeberi sevens:

In memory of George Mwangi Kabeberi (former Mwamba Player who died 1986). This is an emotional tournament proudly owned by the Mwamba family. Despite its nearly being kicked out of the national sevens circuit (shame on you KRU for insulting such a great tournament), this will be the turning point of the sevens circuit. The top two teams will be determined by the end of the weekend and will carry on the fight into the last tournament in Mombasa the next weekend.

A resting point for the travelling fans out there. They will be able to replenish their wallets as well as their vital vitamins, since tours seem to only consist of meat and fluids.

18^th Sep Driftwood sevens:

The big one. The last tournament in the circuit. The penultimate decider of the champions, the mother of tours and the biggest dent in the wallet. Not to be missed. With the breaking away of the unhappy rugby players from MSC to form the Mombasa Spartans (like they couldn’t find a better name), Mombasa RFC are attempting to assemble a patchy team so that they can be allowed to host the tournament as this is an obvious prerequisite to having your own tournament. But this should not deter you from attending. As the action will be non-stop. The crowning of the champions will be done on the island and song and dance will be the order of the day as sorrows are drowned and kings are crowned.

As your guide to better enjoyment of rugby and its social ills, I will attempt to keep you informed on the happenings at the tournaments, the places to visit once you’re in town, and where you can stay at peppercorn rent. Comments and Keeping everyone updated on the hot spots is encouraged so as to make rugby a more enjoyable (as if that’s possible) sport to be a part of.